This foggy landscape of uncertainty.

I’ve eaten of its fruit, drowned in its pungent aftertaste.

Today, I spit it out, I’ve had enough of it.

Oh, insecurities, these black chains I’ve wrapped around me–

I bid you goodbye.

In Christ, you hold no power over me.

I remember feeling wretched still after praying *the* prayer. After crying for what seemed like hours, it was just hard to stop.

Now, as I type, the clock on my desktop reads 5:57PM. It is 15 August 2010.

I am now twenty years old, and in about two and a half months, I will turn twenty-one. I conquered my fear of dark, unlit rooms when I was in ten, but sometimes during the wee hours of the night, my overactive imagination fuels an acute hysteria that I am as quick to tamper down.

Then I remember that I’ve no longer reason to fear, for I know that wherever I may be, God has already gone before me and has prepared my way before me.

Sometimes, though, I still forget.

You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? Psalm 139:5-7 (TNIV).

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Today’s message, entitled Signs of Life: Generosity, tackled Romans 12:13. Worship services at Reality LA usually lasts for two hours, with a full hour devoted to the message alone. The message is part of a series on Romans, one that has been going on since 2008.

And, yes, I find it remarkable that we discussed a single verse for a full hour. What I find even more remarkable is how much I learned from a single verse in the Bible.

Contribute to the needs of the saints.

By needs, Paul was not only referring to the material needs, but whatever needs my spiritual sibling may have. In verse 15, Paul elucidates further on how I am to sympathize and have compassion for my sibling–point blank, he states, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.” According the Bible lexicon, the word “contribute” in verse 13 was translated from the Greek κοινωνοῦντες (koinōnountes), which is defined as “to have a share of.” From how I analyzed the verse, I gather that we are to share the burden of each other’s needs, and of course, we are to do it in love.

The principle of it should be no-brainer for those who love and follow Jesus.

While I often endeavor to give as much as I can of whatever I have, I get burned out more often in doing such. I remember how tight-fisted I was with my time, especially the last few weeks preceding my departure for LA. My mom and I would often have a spat over how I was often out of the house. I wasn’t able to spend time with some people I was supposed to spend time with.

As it was, I was trying my best in balancing everything, and even as I look back in retrospect, I still don’t know how I could’ve balanced things better. I do know that while I was spending time with people, I wasn’t really able to spend as much quality time with God.

Being generous, as the Bible would have it, is an intentional action. Following my experience, it just doesn’t fall into place–I have to budget, I have to be aware of how much I’ve spent and how much I have left. I have to decide early on how I will go about things, so that I’m not left to making estimations that are way, way off to begin with. In my first year of college, I was once forced to walk a considerable way home, because I didn’t have enough money to make the commute. I mismanaged my allowance. The 1.5-hour long walk along Elliptical Road and Kalayaan Avenue was an adventure. It was also lesson learned.

*     *     *

At twenty and ten point five months, I find myself displaced from home. God’s reassigned me to Los Angeles for an indefinite period of time. I’ve been struggling with dealing with the changes, but God’s been good to me. Even while I stumbled and fumbled about for the way to go, He’s been there, directing my steps and never letting me fall into the depths of despair. There were moments when I felt so close to giving up already, but His grace prods me on.

Today, I was reminded that I am here in Los Angeles on  God’s directive. I was very much reluctant to accept the truth in that, but now I know, I know more than I’d like to sometimes.

I am on God’s mission, and I am determined to live intentionally for Him.

For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though He was rich, yet for your sake He became poor, so that you through His poverty might become rich. 2 Corinthians 8:9 (NASB).

I was initially under the delusion that I could maintain three blogs simultaneously (planning fallacy–after four years in UP, I thought I’d be beyond that). Seeing how much I’ve invested here already, I’ve decided to continue posting here.

Today is tenth of August, and as I type, the clock on my desktop reads 9:45PM.

I am proud to say (err, write) that I was very productive today. I’ve been struggling with my tendency to procrastinate since before I left Manila, and for the first seven or so days since I arrived here, it seemed like I was totally done with that destructive habit. I spent time with God regularly, I did my chores, and I struggled to write to people back home. There wasn’t much pressure to do anything, and for the first time in a long, long while, I was just being. There was no pressing assignment to attend to, no more packing, and not much appointments to keep. I was just tired most of the time, with my biological clock out-of-sync with the local environment.

By the second week, I was totally despondent. I missed people from back home, and I loathed my situation. This was compounded by the fact that I didn’t have friends on this side of the world yet. I didn’t want to trouble the people back home with my adjustment troubles, so all the tension ended up simmering internally.

My weekend trip to Universal Studios perked me up, however. I was reluctant to go, but I ended up having A LOT of fun. I loved the Simpsons ride, especially–it was a unique and fascinating ride, the likes of which I haven’t encountered before.

What's here is the facade of an attraction in Universal Studios in LA, The Simpsons Ride. See Krusty? Can it get any more demented than that? ) NOTE! This image was not taken by me.

I was embracing my California girl-ness in this picture. That was... I forgot what it's called, but we were in one of the landings along the series of escalators.

The next few weeks were similar to the second week–I spent a good three-quarters of the month being despondent.

I was frustrated with my life, and I was really annoyed with God for the way He was handling things.

I forgot to mention something important–I’m changing majors again.

At the rate I’m going, my brother will have graduated from high school before I graduate from college life.

Circumstances here are not ideal for communication majors. The odds are especially stacked against immigrants who happen to be communication majors. Between the communication major who grew up here and the communication major who grew up in the Philippines, employers naturally prefer the homegrown ones. They understand the quirks of the American way of life, and the way that Americans think comes naturally to them.

Another facet to my majors dilemma is that I need to be independent AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. I need to be able to financially support myself and my family, in case of… emergencies.

Circumstances have been pointing out to that less savory option to switch majors (again and again and again, huhuhuhu). Last week, my dad confronted me and told me point blank that I have to change my major.

*KAPOOF!*

I haven’t received affirmation from God’s Word about my decision to switch to… (geez, this is really, really, really, really, really, really embarrassing) …bachelor of architecture. O_O It was either that or computer science. I’ve been getting a lot of hits from Proverbs though–I say “hit”, because tinatamaan ako, and when it does that, it resonates and sometimes hurts.

I am uncertain of my future. Very, very uncertain. When I devote too much thought space to postulating about the future, I get the urge to throw up. However, my uncertainty of the future doesn’t mean that my future is uncertain. Uncertain only describes the quality by which I perceive my future–and my perspective is very much limited.

I know who holds my future, and there’s no one else, living or dead, human or not, who’s more capable of handling such. I trust Him. =)

A brief summary of what I’ve been learning throughout the past few weeks:

Moral lesson 1: The heart is deceitful. Do not let how you’re feeling sway your actions. Just because circumstances make you feel hopeless, doesn’t mean that you’re an utterly hopeless being.

Moral lesson 2: Feeling happy? Pray. Feeling sad? Pray. Don’t feel like praying? Pray. Be alert in prayer. As Moody from Harry Potter liked to say–”constant vigilance!”

Moral lesson 3: Delight in God’s Word. Delight. Imagine how you savor your favorite food. Or how you react to a new volume of Artemis Fowl. The action is comparable to how I admire a fresh cupcake from Sonja’s in the Fort. I stare at it. I examine it. I let my eyes feast on the sugary goodness–the chocolate running over, the richness of color. I smell it, and it’s delightful. I eat it slowly, savoring each bite. I can’t help but want more when I finally consume the entire cupcake.

Moral lesson 4: Avoid being idle. Even if you’re feeling despondent and you don’t feel like doing anything, don’t–just do something. Pray. Get out of the house. Read the Bible. Don’t just sit in that corner of the couch and space off.

Man’s steps are ordained by the LORD, how then can man understand his way? Proverbs 20:24 (NASB).

The fear of the LORD leads to life, so that one may sleep satisfied, untouched by evil. Proverbs 19:23 (NASB).

And at such an opportune time too–I’ve the digital SLR again at my disposal. It’s almost one in the morning, and I’m feeling the itch already to take pictures! I’m THAT excited.

The only thing that dampers my spirit considerably is my weight gain. Yes, I gain weight. I GAINED WEIGHT, and internally, I’m kicking and screaming over the pounds I’ve incurred. I knew I had it coming, with the unhealthy lifestyle I was leading the past three or so months. It’s just that being confronted with it is a different matter all together. This summer, hopefully, I’ll set a healthier lifestyle–get adequate sleep, steer clear of sweets and fatty food, and exercise.

I’m sorely tempted to magnify this weight issue way, way, waaay out of proportion, but even when it comes to these things, I have be mature. I have to handle this well and not go crazy over a me getting… heavier. I’m telling myself over and over that it’s not the end of the world, and that with proper diet and lifestyle, I CAN LOSE WEIGHT AND BE HEALTHY. Besides, my weight does not certainly dictate my worth. My worth is not a function of my outward appearance.

RAAWR. Lord, help me, please.

For the past months, I haven’t been living out the life that God’s gifted me. I’ve been squandering it. A large part of it was the very bad choice of taking up a too-full-academic-load of 21 units.

I shouldn’t have.

WOW. Time just went by so fast.

Between then and now, a lot of things happened.

School has been hectic. I’d say, it got to the point that it almost killed me. Unfortunately, my grades died too. I also won 2nd runner up in the Values Advertising Awards for Adspeak 2010. I got a part-time stint, which I ended up regretting. And, of course–school happened.

Just yesterday, I sent out my applications for OJT to Star, PDI, and Business World. I’m quite nervous about it, because I feel that I don’t compare against others who are also applying for internship. Every time I think about it, my stomac roils.

I think that I lost my taste for blogging over the course of about seven-week blogging hiatus, and I’m trying to find my footing again.

I miss blogging.

The funny/sad thing is that only in retrospect has God revealed to me/opened my eyes to my errors. Lately, as I’ve been having my quiet time with Him, He has been actively showing me how I was wrong in holding on to some things I shouldn’t have. He has shown me the errors in certain beliefs I’ve held close to my heart.

And all throughout–despite my ignorance, He’s been good to me, continually providing for my needs. He’s continually showered me with His love, leading me, and blessing me academically.

As I type this, my heart cries for the things I’ve done that grieved my Father.

I am sorry.

Now that it’s 2010, I will learn from mistakes of the past. I am more determined than ever to love Him, love His commands, and translate this love into action. No matter the cost, He enables me to obey Him.

It’s past four in the morning, and I can’t sleep–and I wish I had a bit of yummy, mouth-watering, hallucination-inducing burger to chomp on. I’m not hungry, but I think a bit of that kind of food would make the world a better place by brightening up my mood. I think me craving for burgers was caused by the VF article I read about burgers and the newly hung curtains decorated with red flowers. Don’t they say that warm colors like oranges, yellows, and *reds* promote the desire to eat?

At this point, however, I guess the thing to do would be to sleep. Hopefully, when I do wake up, there’ll be a nice healthy platter of burger awaiting me. Burger, here I come!